VIDEO Showdown: Seagal vs. Van Damme
Throughout the course of history, there have been many compelling rivalries: Burr vs. Hamilton, Faulkner vs. Hemingway, Magic vs. Bird, Tupac vs. Biggie…the list goes on and on. But perhaps no rivalry has been more divisive than that of Seagal vs. Van Damme. Fortunately for you, we here at Brohans.com have decided to settle this debate once and for all.
First let’s look at their accomplishments:
Van Damme was a former European kickboxing champion, once held the bodybuilding title of Mr. Belguim, and he’s had roles in over 30 films. He was also slated to play the role of the alien in Predator, but things didn’t quite work out and he got kicked off the set.
Seagal is a 7th-dan black belt in aikido, an accomplished musician, an active police officer, and he has appeared in 30 films. He also claims to be a former bodyguard for Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
Those are some nice facts, but there’s no better way to settle a debate than with video evidence. Check it out.
1. The Early Days
These two action movie giants have been battling each other at the box office since Seagal’s first movie Above the Law was released a mere month and a half after Van Damme’s classic Bloodsport. Take a look at these clips from each of their first major films.
Van Damme in Bloodsport
Seagal in Above the Law
Both men were clearly facing long odds in these videos. Seagal was outnumbered and out-equipped, while Van Damme was dealing with temporarily blindness. Overall, I’d have to give the edge to Van Damme in this one though, simply because of the opponent he defeated. Bolo Yeung is one of the most jacked Asian dudes I’ve ever seen, and he’s got some serious fighting skills to boot. Seagal was facing some talentless street thugs who made the curious decision to bring a couple unwieldy swords to their battle. Not only would Van Damme have defeated those thugs, he probably would’ve beaten them to death with their own severed limbs.
Score: Van Damme: 1 Seagal: 0
2. Blockbuster Success
Seagal and Van Damme both achieved blockbuster success in the early 90’s: Seagal for his part in the 1992 epic Under Siege and Van Damme for his 1994 role in Timecop. Check out the trailers for each movie.
Seagal in Under Siege
Van Damme in Timecop
This one is pretty much a no-brainer. On one hand you’ve got Casey Ryback - “Ex-Navy Seal, expert in martial arts, explosives, weapons and tactics, with a Silver Star, Navy Cross, and a Purple Heart…with Cluster.” On the other hand you’ve got Max Walker…Timecop. The credentials speak for themselves.
Max Walker is fortunate enough to be banging the lovely Melissa Walker (former Ferris Bueller beauty Mia Sara), but when it was all said and done you just know that Casey Ryback got a little loving from Jordan Tate (Playboy playmate Erika Eleniak). The advantage once gain goes to Seagal.
Score: Van Damme: 1 Seagal: 1
3. Barfighting Ability
One of the truest measures of a man’s worth is his ability to hold his own in a bar room brawl. Here’s a clip of each man taking care of business in a bar.
Van Damme in Kickboxer
Seagal in Out for Justice
This is a pretty close call. Seagal definitely dispatched more adversaries than Van Damme did, but Van Damme was also really drunk. Van Damme did have some of the worst dance moves I’ve ever seen, but I don’t know how much I can make fun of something that was so successful. In the end, I give the nod to JCVD, simply because he pretty much did everything you can do at a bar - he drank a lot, picked up some chicks, and beat the crap out of people. Seagal was way too focused on the beating people up aspect. He was in a bar and didn’t even have a single drink. Pathetic.
Score: Van Damme: 2 Seagal: 1
4. Sexing the Ladies
I imagine when you are first being taught any martial art the instructor probably gives some lame lecture about how it should only be used for self-defense or some other nonsense. You know all the nerdy students are thinking “Of course, sensei. To use such a powerful skill for evil would be blasphemous,” while everyone else is thinking “Screw that, I want to beat dudes up and steal their women.” Well, I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure JCVD and Steven Seagal fall into that second group of people.
Now I managed to find a clip of Van Damme working his magic with the ladies, but curiously enough I couldn’t find any similar videos of Seagal. That’s why I decided to give you the next best option - video of the woman that Seagal managed to marry in real life, Kelly LeBrock.
Van Damme Getting the Girls in Inferno (NSFW)
The Real Life Ex-Mrs. Steven Seagal - Kelly Lebrock in The Woman in Red (NSFW)
First off, major props to Seagal for snagging Kelly LeBrock back in the day. It’s easy to forget how hot she was before she got stricken with a terrible case of clownlip-itis. I wouldn’t be surprised if her ridiculous lips were the reason Seagal kicked her to the curb.
Van Damme has been married to some beauties, but none of them were on par with LeBrock in her prime. Jean-Claude is looking pretty money in the above clip, however. I wouldn’t doubt it if that scene was based off of some of his real-life escapades.
It’s a tough call, but I have to give the edge to Van Damme in the romance department. He gets the slight nod over Seagal due to his ability to speak French. I heard that women really love a guy who can speak French. Well, at least that’s what my high school French teacher told me. Apropos of nothing, he was a middle-aged man who had never been married and shared his house with 3 cats and a gerbil.
Score: Van Damme: 3 Seagal: 1
5. Sexing the Men?
After declaring him the bigger ladies man, I was shocked to see the following video of Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Van Damme in Monaco Forever
I couldn’t come across any footage of Seagal engaging in similar activities and, quite frankly, I was relieved. Unfortunately for Van Damme, this video has to lower his score. Not because I have anything against homosexuals, but because he went about things all wrong.
You can’t just pick up a guy off the side of the road and immediately start caressing his leg. You’ve got to make friendly conversation and build up a rapport first. Only when he feels at ease can you start working on the physical contact.
No worries though, Jean-Claude. If I had a dollar for every time I made unreciprocated advances towards another man…well, I’d have about 37 dollars.
Score: Van Damme: 2 Seagal: 1
6. Song and Dance
Singing and dancing ability aren’t typical measures of one’s manliness, but I think that every great man has things that he is passionate about outside of his job. Seagal’s and Van Damme’s full-time jobs are being badasses, but in their spare time they both like to express themselves artistically. Seagal loves his music, while Van Damme enjoys dancing.
Van Damme Dancing (Mishap at the End)
Seagal’s Music Video
Ok, I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t watch the entire Seagal music video. However, unless he accidentally popped a boner near the end of his song, he has Van Damme beaten in this category.
Come on, Jean-Claude, that’s just embarrassing. I’m not going to claim that I’ve never had my little man stand at attention while getting freaky on the dance floor, but I never pointed it out to everyone. The cardinal rule of wood is this: Unless it is protruding a foot beyond your body, YOU NEVER DRAW ATTENTION TO IT! If some guy points out the bulge in your pants, you can call him a queer for checking out your package. If some girl calls you out for having a boner, that means she’s interested in your package and you should proceed to have sex with her. It’s a pretty simple rule, really.
Score: Van Damme: 2 Seagal: 2
7. Tiebreaker
Since it’s a dead-heat, let’s see if the tie can’t be broken by watching one more Seagal video clip.
Seagal in Hard to Kill
“I’m going to take you to the bank, Senator Trent…to the blood bank.”
What an awesomely bad quote. After that I think we all know who wins the Seagal vs. Van Damme matchup. See you next time. -MATT