Matt here, with a special Valentine’s edition of The Worst YouTube Videos of the Week. This past week, YouTube featured a lot of dateless losers expressing their hatred for Valentine’s Day, a lot of cheesy romantics making video Valentines for their special someones, and a lot of weird Valentines videos using anime characters (I didn’t even bother watching those). When it was all said and done, I managed to pick out the five worst videos of the week. Although the number one video is so terrible that I’m thinking it might have actually crossed the threshold into “so bad it’s actually good” territory. Anyways, here you go.

1. Man Tries to Win Back His Lost Love By Making A Video for Her. Prediction: Valentine’s Day Is Going to Be Awful Lonely for Him This Year.

This video clocks in at a rather lengthy 10:53, but trust me, you’ve got to watch the whole thing. (Turn down your volume first though. There’s some crappy country music playing in the background.) Some highlights:
1:21 – “I would do anything to be with you, babe…anything.” Is that so, Ryan? Would you kill your own mother to be with her? Hah, I didn’t think so, liar.
3:29 – Tatiana in a bikini. That Tatiana is one hot piece of ace, I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean…well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT. IT. ON. Wooo-eee… no, no, they didn’t. But you could imagine what it’d be like if they, eh, eh… everybody on, good, great, grand, wonderful.
9:03 – Big Dave: “Ryan, he won’t shut up about you. He’s always saying how he loves you and shit. And, uhh…that’s all I gotta say.” Powerful words, Big Dave, powerful words.
In addition to these highlights, the video also contains every letter that Tatiana ever wrote to Ryan, as well as some heartfelt messages from Ryan that are rife with spelling and grammatical errors. Enjoy!

Link [via YouTube]

2. Crazy Guy with a Huge Knife Expresses His Distaste for Valentine’s Day. I Totally Agree, Man. (Please Don’t Kill Me)

Wow, I’m kind of afraid to make fun of this guy. Call me a coward if you must, but I have this strange aversion to being stabbed. Um, overall I thought this was a amazing video. I love Marilyn Manson and I thought the guy in the video really fed off of Manson’s energy and created a truly powerful video. The hunting knife through the potato scene was probably my favorite overall, due to its metaphorical significance. In conclusion, I really enjoyed this video and I am eagerly awaiting more videos from this brilliant director.

Link [via YouTube]

3. Unfunny Girl with A.D.D. Makes a Video in Which She Laughs Entirely Too Much. No One Else Is Amused.

You know your video is not going well when three quarters of the way through it you say, “Ahh, screw this. This is so dumb. I apologize.” Now let me ask you this – if you, being the producer of video, stop and think “wow, this is stupid,” how do you think other people are going to react to it? Do you think they’re going to be like, “Whoa, this is awesome! I love it how her jokes aren’t funny at all and she laughs way too much!”? Granted, it is sometimes funny when actors in movies or TV shows break into fits of laughter and can’t complete their lines, but that’s because those people are professionals and the audience gets to see them in a completely different light. The only light I’d like to see the girl from this video in is a dimmer light that obscures her face a bit more. Hey-o!

Link [via YouTube]

4. Annoying, Goofy-Looking Guy (Who Probably Has Never Had a Date in His Life) Hates Valentine’s Day. Hmm, I Can’t Imagine Why.

This guy is pretty squirrelly-looking, but he actually freaked me out a bit. Just listen to how many anecdotes he has about observing couples. He’s definitely that creepy guy at the mall who walks just a little too close to people and has a look of jealous rage in his eyes. Later on in his video, he makes a seemingly innocent reference to an uzi…or maybe it’s not so innocent. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if this guy goes on a murderous rampage in some fancy restaurant full of couples on Valentine’s Day. It also wouldn’t surprise me at all if he just stayed in on Valentine’s Day, silently weeping into his pillow.

Link [via YouTube]

5. Man in Wife Beater and Boxers Lip Syncs to Cher. I Hope to God This Video Was the Result of a Lost Bet.

Ok, I have to admit, this video was kind of funny. My main objection to this video is how much effort must’ve been put into it. It’s fine if someone makes an impromptu video of themselves in their underwear singing along to a crappy song, but I don’t think that was the case here. The fact that this video was probably extensively planned out is what I take issue with. I mean, come on, what kind of man knows all the words to Cher’s Believe ( I just looked up the title of the song.)? And nobody has a fuzzy pink hat and wings just lying around their house. That guy had to go out to the store and pay actual money for that stuff, money that could’ve been spent on hookers or booze. For shame.

Link [via YouTube]

The Worst YouTube Videos of the Week, Volume Four