Why are dogs the only species that hump people’s legs and other objects? I think it would be neat to see an elephants do that. I’ll work on that technology right away.

-HENRY

Video [Hat Tip: Revista Sebo]

Sometimes I like to go to Star Trek conventions and argue with the nerds about how sound cannot be heard in space. I stopped after I got beat up by the gang known as the Wil Wheatons.

Those mother effers are strong.

-HENRY

Video [Hat Tip: Trek Movie]

Wow, time to rethink my entire workout routine. Forget all the fancy weights and machines at the gym, apparently the only exercise equipment you need is a bunch of rocks. And forget using somewhat soft objects like punching bags. If you really want to develop punching power, just beat the crap out of some rocks.

Note to self: Have hot blonde nearby who’s willing to clean my bloodied hands. Also, she should be totally cool with my preferred exercise methods, and should never, even for a second, question the sanity of someone who punches rocks without any sort of hand protection.

-MATT

Video [via Break]

Is it wrong that my main reason for having children is so I’ll have people to pull hilarious pranks on without fear of retribution? Only kidding, of course. My real reason for having kids will be so I can have my own personal, miniature butlers. I mean, I guess I could hire a midget butler, a la Tattoo from Fantasy Island, but that might be kind of expensive. Also, I don’t think a midget would put up with the constant, severe beatings like a child would.

-MATT

Video [via YouTube]