Well done, little people. Everything you guys touch turns to comedy gold, and the basketball court is no exception. And kudos on the cute, alliterative name “The Tiny Trotters.” It’s way better than what I named my squad during my short-lived stint as a midget basketball team owner - “A Bunch of Guys Who Are Really Short and Can Barely Jump Playing a Sport Almost Exclusively Dominated By Tall, Athletic Men.”
Owning the team was fun for a while, but the expenses were just too much for me. Sure, the cost of feeding the guys was pretty small, and the entire team could comfortably fit in my Dodge Neon (roomy trunk), so travel expenses were negligible, but the damn lettering costs for the jerseys were outrageous. “Tiny Trotters” - it seems so obvious now.
April 24, 2007 at 4:08 pm
· Filed under Heh., midgets
If you’ve visited this site before, you might already be aware of my affection for midgets (or “little people” as they’re called by people who don’t believe in brevity). I normally get pretty excited when I come across a previously unseen midget video, but this one looked rather mundane at first. Big deal, a pregnant midget, right? Wrong. Just try to keep yourself from laughing as you watch her traverse a flight of stairs. I don’t think it can be done.
Well done, little peeps, you guys never fail to entertain.
Holy crap, a midget who knows martial arts! I gotta give the guy credit because he’s obviously put in some major hours at the dojo, but let’s be serious. All the martial arts training in the world isn’t going to make much of a difference in a fight against an averaged-sized person. Sure, it might help them get in an extra punch or two the groin, but that’s about it. Trust me, I’ve fought (and killed) a fair share of midgets in my day.
I can’t help but laugh at little people and their silly ambitions. Learning martial arts is only the beginning for them. Next thing you know they’ll be running for office, climbing stairs, or even reading and writing. Good for them. They’ll never be “normal” like you or I, but at least they’re trying.
Oh, by the way, the guy in the video is Weng Weng, a former Filipino actor. And it appears like he was a glaring omission from my Top 10 Midgets of All-Time post.
March 12, 2007 at 9:00 am
· Filed under Heh., midgets
First off, I’d just like to apologize to any little people that this post might offend. I know that some little people consider the use of the word “midget” to be equivalent to the use of the “n-word” to describe black people. I am obviously not a midget (Haha, could you imagine a midget and his stubby little fingers trying to type on a keyboard?), so I can’t really speak about the validity of that comparison, but I know that there’s one important distinction between those two groups of people in my mind at least - black people can hurt me, midgets cannot. (No midgets can hurt me, not even black midgets. To illustrate my point, I’ve included a handy color-coded Venn diagram which I created in just under 3 hours.)
Clearly, the majority of black people can hurt me. However, midgets who are black are part of the small subset of black people who cannot hurt me.
Now that we’ve established that I can use the word “midget” with impunity, let’s get right down to it. Here are the top 10 midgets of all-time (with video evidence, of course). -MATT
10. Hervé Villechaize
Hervé Villechaize is probably best known as Tattoo on the TV series Fantasy Island, where he rubbed elbows with Ricardo Montalbán and got paid an inordinate amount of money to utter the phrase “De plane! De plane!”
According to his Wikipedia entry, Villechaize “insisted on being called a midget, rather than ‘little person,’” and “proved a difficult actor on Fantasy Island where he continually propositioned women and quarreled with the producers.” Right on, little guy. That just earned you the #10 spot on my list. You sure didn’t get it because of your singing abilities. (See video below.)
Before he tragically passed away last year, De la Rosa, who was a close personal friend of Pedro Martinez, held the distinction of being the world’s shortest actor. Standing in at just over 21 inches, he was only slightly longer than Henry’s wang, but considerably more pleasing to the ladies. Check out how he drives those Dominican women crazy as he suggestively dances with what your neighborhood apothecary would instantly recognize as a mortar and pestle.
At 4′8″, Gary Coleman just barely meets the requirements (4′10″ and under for males) for being considered a little person. It was a tough call deciding between him and Emmanuel Lewis, but I ultimately went with Coleman because he and I have a lot in common.
We were both kings of our respective domains back in the early 80’s - he was the only star in the “little black kid” sitcom genre, and I was the only child in my household. Then along came a newer, cuter rival - Coleman had to battle Webster for America’s affection, and I had to battle my little brother for my parents’ affection. Later on, we both had some legal troubles, we both ran for governor of California, and I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure we’ve both accidentally killed a hooker. You and I are kindred spirits, Gary.
Wee Man is perhaps the greatest midget skateboarder ever, although I’m not quite sure how much competition there is in that category. Here is the video of him dressed as an Oompa Loompa skateboarding down a busy sidewalk. For everyone who saw him that day, it was probably the strangest sight they had ever seen…at least until they saw those pics of Lindsay Lohan’s snatch.
A lot of people think of Verne Troyer as a one-hit wonder. They think he got lucky landing roles in those two Austin Powers movies and he probably won’t ever approach that kind of success again.
Don’t let those naysayers bring you down, Verne. I’ve seen you on The Surreal Life and I just know that you’ve got a lot of films left in you. You just have to keep your boozing under control. KnowwhatImean, Verne?
The name “Tony Cox” might not immediately ring a bell with you, but I can almost guarantee you know him. His two biggest roles were probably the limo driver in Me, Myself, and Irene and Santa’s elf in Bad Santa. He’s also played the role of an Ewok in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, and its subsequent porn counterpart Star Whores: Return of the Browneye, but I doubt you’ve seen that one.
Like Tony Cox, Danny Woodburn’s name might not be familiar to you, but I’m sure you’ve seen him. Remember Kramer’s friend Mickey on Seinfeld? That was Danny Woodburn. He made this list due to his outstanding role on maybe the greatest sitcom ever, not because of the stupid commercial seen below. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t find the Seinfeld clip anywhere on the web, and neither Larry nor Jerry would return my calls. It’s like people make a few hundred million dollars and they stop being your friend. Jerks.
Bridget the Midget is the world’s most famous midget stripper/porn star, and she’s also my ideal woman. Think about it - she’d be really cheap to take out to dinner, she could never hog the covers, being next to her would always make you feel huge and manly, and most importantly, she couldn’t beat the crap out of you when you try to stand up for yourself and have your buddies over to play poker once a week…heh, not that anything like that has ever happened to me before.
You ever fall asleep on the couch while watching TV and wake up in the middle of the night? You’re not tired anymore, and the TV is on already so you decide to see if there’s anything worthwhile on the tube at 4 AM.
Some guys are selling samurai swords. CLICK. An episode of The Golden Girls. Dang I forgot how hot Blanche was. Ugh, Estelle Getty. CLICK. Ron Popeil is slicing and dicing something. CLICK. People talking about selling real estate. Hold up. Are those twin midgets dressed in business suits? Yes! I’ve got to see what these little guys are talking about!
Those two guys were John and Greg Rice, two self-made real estate millionaires. They used their status as midget twins to push their Cashflow Generator system and were very successful. John tragically passed away a couple years ago, but Greg is still going strong. Here’s a clip of the two brothers doing a commercial for a pest control business that they had a stake in.
If you’re making a list of the greatest midgets ever, one man is clearly head and shoulders above the rest, figuratively, that is. He’s had roles in Star Wars movies, Harry Potter movies, had numerous TV appearances, and played the lead in several Leprechaun movies as well as in his crowning achievement, Willow. If you don’t have Willow in your list of top 10 movies ever, then you either haven’t seen it or you’re just a damned fool. Either way, you should stop reading now and rent the movie. It will change your life.
